Joey Chestnut chomped his way back to glory, reclaiming the mustard belt and becoming a 17-time Nathan’s Hot Dog Contest Eating Champ! Hope your Fourth was just as legendary.
Steelers News Aaron Rodgers says this will be his last season. Sure, “Steel Rod,” sure. Meanwhile, his teammate T.J. Watt still hasn’t signed a new contract, thanks to Micah Parsons and Trey Hendrickson holding out. The Steelers better sign T.J., because I had Pittsburgh D on my fantasy team. With Watt, they’re Top-10. Without him? Swiss cheese. Oh, and they just traded for Miami’s best tight end, Jonnu Smith.
Tell Me You’re Tanking Without Telling Me Miami is officially in the Arch Manning sweepstakes. Hook ‘em. They dumped Jonnu and traded for retired tight end Darren Waller. His last good fantasy season? 2020. Since then: traded to the Giants, flopped in Brian Daboll’s system, retired, became a rapper, and got divorced. Busy guy. Also, divorces ain’t cheap.
Baltimore Drama Justin Tucker was looking like a lock for Canton, but not anymore. The Ravens cut him for “football reasons” (wink), and the league hit him with a 10-game suspension for pulling a Deshaun Watson. You can Google it.
More Browns Chaos Cleveland had a law called the Modell Law, which blocked professional teams from leaving taxpayer-funded stadiums unless locals had a chance to buy the team or gave their approval. It was named after Art Modell, who moved the Browns to Baltimore in the ’90s. But guess what? They lobbied, greased some wheels, and changed the law. The Browns are moving 15 minutes away to Brook Park to build a dome. Progress?
Basketball, Baby KD got traded again. This time to the Rockets. Remember when he was discussed alongside LeBron as the GOAT and winning titles with the Warriors? Now he’s on his third team in five years and just another guy. Oh, and the Lakers? They were just sold for $10 BILLION to the Dodgers’ owner because L.A. doesn’t have enough rings.
Jazz Hands? Not So Much. Ace Bailey was supposed to be a top-5 pick in the NBA Draft… and he was. But he made it very clear he didn’t want to be drafted by Utah. His camp told the Jazz and Hornets to kindly back off, but Utah went full petty and took him anyway at #5. And yeah, the kid was not thrilled. Honestly? Can’t blame him. I went to Utah once during a layover. My brother and I found this tiny bar in the airport and got tanked on Polygamy Porter beer. Because hey, why have just one?
We Lost Some Legends D. Wayne Lukas, legendary horse trainer and 15-time Triple Crown race winner, passed away at 89. Pro tip: If you’re ever at the track and a horse winks at you, bet the farm.
Dave Parker, The Cobra, passed, too. He smoked cigarettes in the dugout, hosed down Brian Downing in the ’79 All-Star Game, and won titles with the Pirates and the ’89 A’s as a member of the Bash Brothers.
Rick Hurst, who played Deputy Cletus Hogg on The Dukes of Hazzard, is now at the Boar’s Nest in the sky. If you’re Gen X, you know Friday nights meant Dukes at 8, The Incredible Hulk at 9.
Jim Shooter, legendary Marvel editor and writer, also passed away. He gave us Secret Wars, The Avengers, and the iconic Marvel/DC team-up of Superman and Spider-Man. A true titan of storytelling. His impact on comics was nothing short of superhuman. And Finally… Our very own Commish Kit model, Kourtney Kellar, is now married to Isaiah Hartenstein, and the man just helped the OKC Thunder beat the Pacers for the NBA title. Guess she really does pick winners.
We’ll be back next week with more hot takes, cold cuts, and fantasy advice that probably won’t hold up in court. Looking for the ultimate fantasy football draft board? Commish Kit has everything you need—poster kits, stand-up corrugated boards, and a digital draft board so slick, your league might actually think you’re organized this year.
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Next Week: Rodney Harrison inducted into two Hall of Fames.
There are 58 days until NFL Kickoff.
