Buckle up, folks, this NFL offseason recap twists through more drama than a telenovela marathon. Travis Kelce had the ring… but Philly had the script. Our guy was ready to propose to Taylor Swift after a Chiefs 3-peat, but the Eagles channeled their inner Rocky and knocked out the champs. Oh, and the tush push? Still undefeated. Deal with it.
Speaking of plot twists that nobody saw coming, Aaron Rodgers joined the Steelers, which means we now live in a simulation. Terry Bradshaw called the move “a joke” and suggested Aaron go back to California to vibe with his crystals and kombucha. Rodgers will wear Tommy Maddox’s #8 because Terry basically said, “Touch my #12 and go somewhere and chew on bark.”
Meanwhile, Buffalo is starring in Hard Knocks this year, and honestly, it’s about time. Josh Allen married Disney princess Hailee Steinfeld, the Bills have the 5th easiest schedule, and America’s favorite folding-table-smashing fanbase, the Bills mafia, is dreaming big. This might be Travis & Taylor: AFC East Edition.
The drama doesn’t stop there. Former Bills WR Stefon Diggs is a Patriot now and was spotted yacht partying with Cardi B and a suspicious pink baggie. Was it cotton candy? Maybe. Do we want to know? Absolutely not.
Over in Atlanta, Kirk Cousins is cashing $27.5 million this year to rock a headset and babysit the starter. Word on the street is he was hoping for a trade to the Steelers or back to the Vikings, but nope, he’s stuck holding the clipboard of shame.
But let’s talk about the real winner of the offseason: Brock Purdy got PAID. The 49ers gave Mr. Irrelevant a 5-year, $265 million contract. He went from “who?” to “$53 million a year.” Not bad for a guy who was once drafted after three punters. Congrats on the money, Brock. Then they shipped his playmaker, Deebo, to the Commanders. Rumor has it that the Niners might still be wheeling and dealing with Washington and would ship Brandon Aiyuk for Scary Terry.
The draft was its own circus this year, with Mel Kiper turning it into the Shedeur Sanders Show. Three days, 72 hours, one receding hairline, zero chill. Miami drafted Texas QB Quinn Ewers in the 7th round, and rumor has it North Carolina offered him $8 million to enter the transfer portal. Maybe he saw Belichick’s 24-year-old girlfriend and decided pro football might be less scandalous.
And shoutout to my hometown Giants. They got Red Sox slugger Rafael Devers, the Yankees killer, for what I can only assume was a Dunkin’ Donuts gift card and a Fenway parking pass. Now, Boston’s trying to take down the CITGO sign. Y’all okay over there?
We’ll be back next week with more hot takes, cold cuts, and fantasy advice that probably won’t hold up in court. Looking for the ultimate fantasy football draft board? Commish Kit has everything you need—poster kits, stand-up corrugated boards, and a digital draft board so slick, your league might actually think you’re organized this year.
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