Old School Rules for Fantasy Football
I think I wrote this article in 2006. I’m dating myself. You can tell by the names of old players and references to tv shows. 2021 is my 21st year of playing fantasy football in the same league with most of the same guys, and we still follow these rules.
Some things in life are inevitable. You know, like, there’s never a cop around when you need one. Even though a beer at the ballpark is $8.50, you still buy one. David Stern already knows who the #1 pick is even before the draft lottery starts (see LeBron/Cleveland). Your smokin’ HOT girlfriend that likes to take you to the strip club turns into Bree Van Dekamp as soon as she digests your wedding cake. The same can be said for Fantasy Football. Every year some guy will show up on the draft day with a magazine that no one else has ever seen. A rookie that wasn’t a first-round pick makes a BIG impact. Mike Anderson in ’00, Clinton Portis in ’02, and Anquan Boldin in ’03. It doesn’t matter who’s running the rock in the Denver backfield; he’s going to get a “G.” And being The Commish is a thankless job. So we’ve come up with some rules to help you out on Fantasy Football draft day.
#1 – Throw A Fricking Draft Party!
If you guys do online drafting, then you’re a bunch of dorks. A draft party is the most fantastic excuse to get $#@% faced. The whole point of the draft party is to get away from the wife and kids and have some fun. Try to do it in Vegas when at all possible.
#2 – Buy a Draft Board!
Preferably a Commish Kit Draft Board. Nothing is worse than sitting around a table with a bunch of guys with their laptops geeking out while they take Rod Smith in the 6th round. If I wanted to use my computer, I would have stayed in my cubicle at work.
#3 – Have a Timer
Keep the first 2 rounds down to 2 minutes and 1 minute for the rest of the draft. It keeps guys on their toes.
#4 – Use a Hottie to put the draft labels on the board
This only works if you do rule #2. Preferably someone’s ex. And make sure she brings her new man to the draft. The guy in your league is going to be so pissed at you for bringing his ex that drafting a good team is the last thing on his mind. All is fair in love and war and Fantasy Football.
#5 – Have the Hottie wear a bikini (optional)
We here at Commish Kit spare no expense when it comes to our league draft. Give the Hottie a few bucks. Only the best for our boys.
#6 – Have some food
Either throw some meat on the grill or order some Mexican food. You want the food already prepared while the draft is going on, but nobody eats until after the draft. You want the aroma of the food to float around the draft room. The guys will be drinking and getting the munchies, so they will start drafting faster and making mistakes.
#7 – Keep the beer flowing!!!
Do you see where we are going with this? Lots of beer, Hot Chicks, delicious-smelling food. You are trying to distract the guys. We do this every year, and it works.
#8 – Make fun of other guys’ picks
Especially make fun of the newbies. Say something like, “Man, that guy wasn’t even in my top 20.” And never let anyone see you get pissed when the guy ahead of you takes your pick.
#9 – Tequilla Shots
This is for the jack-ass who picks someone who has already been selected. I swear to God, this is a true story. Back in ’01, during our draft, this guy takes WR David Terrell in the 6th round. On the way back in the 7th round, he stood up and said, “Out of Michigan, standing 6’3″ weighing 215 lbs. All American David Terrell.” The sad thing about this is that he hadn’t had any booze whatsoever. Oh, it’s true, it’s true.
#10 – Collect the League fees before the draft even starts
You know there’s always that one guy who’ll show up with no cash but will eat a ton of food and drink all of the beer. He’s probably the same guy who will quit after week 6 because his team sucks. Then you’re going to have one hell of a time trying to collect the league entrance fee from this guy at the end of the season. The best way to avoid all of this is to have the Hottie collect the cash at the door. No dinero? No entrance.
Other jack asses that will show up on your doorsteps:
*Multiple leagues player guy. He has Priest on his team but gets pissed when he scores 4 touchdowns because he’s going against him in his other league.
*The Cheat Sheet Guy. He shows up with no magazines. Only a highlighter and a stack of paper. He has no clue about what’s going on in training camp or who’s hurt.
*The ex-champ. He will never let you forget that he won the league 6 years ago but hasn’t made the playoffs since.
*The Newbie, aka “ESPN boy.” “What’s so hard about Fantasy Football? I watch ESPN all the time.”
*The mock draft expert. He’s read every Fantasy rag, so if your draft doesn’t go in the chronological order of what the experts magazine says, then you just F@#$ up the draft.
*I just stole the draft guy. “So you might as well give me the trophy now.” At the end of the draft, that’s all he says.
*The prematurequarterbackulation guy. He gets a top 3 pick and takes a QB. And the guy behind him gets a stud running back dropped in his lap.
BONUS !!!
*Draft Strategy*
#1 Load up on Running Backs
3 of your first 6 picks should be running backs. Grab back-ups who have a chance at starting. Like the back-ups in Kansas City. Stay away from the running back by committee teams, i.e., Minnesota, Denver, Chicago, and Miami if Ricky Williams comes back.
#2 Take a QB in the later rounds
You don’t need a Peyton or a Culpeps to win your league. A Tom Brady or a Trent Green will suffice.
#3 Don’t believe the hype
Do your homework and study. How many of you took Clinton Portis a couple of years ago thinking he would get an easy 1,500 and 15 TD’s behind Joe Gibb‘s counter trey?
#4 Grab players who have crappy defenses
Most high-powered offenses have crappy Defenses. Indianapolis, St. Louis, Green Bay, Denver, Oakland.
#5 Don’t follow the leader
Every year this happens in everyone’s draft. A tight end will get drafted, and you’ll see a run of about 5 more. The same thing will happen with defenses.
#6 Do I take the 7th best running back, or do I take the #1 receiver?
Select the highest-ranking player from another position because you’ll get the top value for your pick.
#7 Don’t draft a kicker until the last round
Vanderjagt and Akers are sexy picks, but they are no better than any other kickers. Last year the Top 10 kickers were only separated by 23 points. Go, roto kicker.
#8 Do roto defense. see rule #7
#9 Have fun
The ultimate point of Fantasy Football is to have fun. Not just on draft day, but all season long. I highly recommend that you get DirecTV with the NFL package. Invite the fellas over on Sunday and drink a few ice-cold ones.
#10 Don’t Drink & Drive
We here at Commish Kit use a lot of references to beer and getting liquored up. I’ve seen it in a lot of the fantasy mags too. If you guys are going to drink, please make sure you have some designated drivers or call a cab. (It’s 2021, so take an Uber or a Lyft) Or let your friends spend the night. Please be responsible and have a great Fantasy Football Season.
-The Commish Kit
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Come back next week for more 2021 Fantasy Football news and insights!
And, don’t forget to order your 2021 Commish Kit Fantasy Football Draft Boards! They are now shipping.
