Government Says Aliens, We Say Lizard People
The U.S. government casually drops, “Yeah, we’ve got four types of aliens living here.” Cool. As if we didn’t already know the Royal Family were lizard people and Joe Rogan’s a CIA sleeper agent.
Meanwhile, McDonald’s and Wendy’s are crying in their hash browns because nobody wants their $9 breakfast sandwiches.
And speaking of breaking things, Taylor and Travis broke the entire internet. Literally.
Blank Space, YouTube Glitch
Taylor Swift hopped on the New Heights podcast with her man, Travis, and his brother, Jason Kelce. She was breaking down Cover 2 like a defensive coordinator and screaming when the Chiefs snagged Texas WR Xavier Worthy (Hook ‘Em 
).
13 million views later, YouTube crashed. One million live viewers, and the stream glitched out like it was dial-up internet in 2002. Fixed now, but hey, NFL, you sure YouTube’s ready to handle Chiefs vs. Chargers Week 1 in Brazil? Might need more duct tape.
Jerry’s $12B Soap Opera
Jerry Jones told the world what we already knew: “The Cowboys are a soap opera 365 days a year. when it gets slow, I’ll stir it up.
And water is wet.
But hey, that soap opera is worth $12.8 billion, making the Cowboys the most valuable franchise in the NFL. Jerry can buy whatever he wants… except a Super Bowl appearance. Maybe pay Micah Parsons what he’s worth, Jerry?
Have Clipboard, Will Fight
Falcons rookie QB Michael Penix Jr. got into it with the Titans during joint practice. Trash talk, long bomb to Ray-Ray McCloud, then boom, a fight breaks out, Penix gets dumped. Drake London and the boys jumped in to defend their guy.
Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins is bubble-wrapped on the sideline collecting $27.5M, just waiting to be traded when some unlucky starter goes down. Nice gig.
Dolphins = Tuna Casserole
The Lions absolutely bullied Miami in joint practice. One Lions LB even said, “I don’t know if they practice how we practice.” Then the Dolphins proved him right. Brutal.
Oh, and Tyreek Hill? Still unhappy. Trade rumors swirling. If this drags into the season, he might just pull a sit-out special.
Tua, though? Cool as ever:
“I think we’re in a really good spot.”
Sure, bro. Just keep swimming.
Use the savings for jalapeno poppers and cerveza!🍕🍺
All paper draft boards are now 20% off in our Fire Sale section. Loaded with last year’s draft boards (now upgraded with 2025 rookies) and T-shirts for men and women while they last.
We’ll be back next time with more hot takes, cold cuts, and fantasy advice that probably won’t hold up in court. Looking for the ultimate fantasy football draft board? Commish Kit has everything you need—poster kits, stand-up corrugated boards, and a digital draft board so slick, your league might actually think you’re organized this year.
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